He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
