Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize