i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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