I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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