Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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