Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
