Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
