haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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