i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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