Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize