He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
