Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
