When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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