My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
