Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
