When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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