Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
