Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
