So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
