Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
