I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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