And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
