We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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