someone threw a dead crab at me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
