I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
