someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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