Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Semen is not good for contacts.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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