We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
