Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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