I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
