He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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