in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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