the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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