Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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