just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
