It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
