I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
