Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
