I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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