Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize