every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
