I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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