We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
