My cat gives me a boner
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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