my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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