when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was like getting head from an anaconda
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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