I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
