We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
