im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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