So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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