New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize