Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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