uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
