I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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