Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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