sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
