If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Randomize
